Letting Go

You'll take your final leave of me soon
although you've been gone for some time
When you left you took much
My happiness
My confidence
My strength
My beliefs and my rituals
But when you leave
you will leave much
For in the days that you have been gone
in our sleep, our dreams, at the times that you
could do nothing to stop me
I have been taking those things back
slowly, defiantly, still afraid
yet determined
Determined that you will not take me with you
It is mere hours until your departure
and an odd misture of sadness and relief fill me
But you have not won
You did not make me hate
you did not fill me with coldness
and for that I can still find it in me
to say
Good luck and
Good-bye

I Wonder No More

written January 29, 2002

A few more years have passed
The textbooks continue to get bigger,
yet I learn less from the textbooks
and more from my life,
my loved ones,
and myself
There are new pictures to replace
those that faded
and when I day dream
I see butterflies like never before
Vibrant blues, deep greens, happy yellows
I don't have to wonder anymore if this man
from my dreams exists
He has a face now
one filled with love
and is lying peacefully in bed next to me
He's there to chase away the monsters at night
when they dare to come back
He defends me
as if I were the most precious jewel in his life
but doesn't try to shelter me from pain
He makes me laught, smile, cry
and he makes me angry
But those loving eyes always look back at me
and those eyes are all that matters
He comforts me
and cares for me
and still knows when to let me care for myself
And as these thoughts leave my head,
a smile creeps across my lips
I feel sleep tugging at the corner of my mind
and I know
I don't have to wonder
anymore

Untitled

written August 23, 2001

There's a field
that lies behind all ideas of right
and wrong
A field where concepts as pure as
love, truth, and forgiveness reighn
I met you there once, long ago,
when I still possessed that childlike innocence
and blind faith which I no longer know
Back then the path there was straight, clear,
and simple
Back then everything was simple
Now the path is still there,
but is is faded and overgrown from
lack of use
The weeds, bushes and trees have grown over
to create an impenetrable awning
to blcok out any light that may guide me
There are many more twists and detours
placed to get lost in
So I can't seem to find my way
But if someone can help me to see
past myself,
I'll find you
And you'll guide me back to taht place
where my demons will no longer assail me
and I'll know what it's like
to be loved beyond all measures

I Wonder Part II

Some years have passed now.
The textbooks have gotten bigger,
the fairy tales shoved further back
on the shelf.

written February 7, 2001

The pictures of butterflies and
teddy bears are more feded than
they were then.
I have a few more scars and bruises
now,
my heart has a few more dents in it.
Still, I find myself,
clutching my pillow in bed at night
wondering.
Wondering if he's out there.
This man without a face
who haunts my dreams at night.
He takes care of me.
He brushes my hair when I get out
of the shower.
When he knows I've had a long day,
he has a hot bath waiting for me
at home.
When the big big bad world rears it's
ugly head,
he lets me lay my head in his lap
as he holds me
and tells me everything's okay
while I think back to days when
everything was okay.
I wonder if he's real,
and if I were to find him,
if he would love me.
As these thoughts leave my head,
I start to cry.
And soon, I'll drift off to sleep.
But for now,
I wonder.

Crucified

written January 30, 2001

I see her standing before me.

She's broken and bound,

stripped of the faith and

innocence that once filler her

eternal soul.

Her ebony hair frames her

porcelain face,

matted with the blood that seeps

from her battle wounds.

Her wars have left many scars

on her once flawless skin.

She looks at me

through the strands that have

fallen in her face.

She knows I could have saved her

and I know it too.

Instead I crucified her.

Drove the nails into her cross

and her coffin.

She's branded a whore and a liar,

a walking plague.

And as she takes her last breath,

I shed a tear.

For the brand and wounds

are mind.

And the woman I have crucified

is myself.

Innocenct Lost

written November 25, 2000

An open meadow
moist with morning's dew
A child sits alone
Her hell-fire red hair
cascades over her shoulders
in loose curls
Her deep green eyes reflect
a wisdom that her age does
not allow
Laughter fills the air
Children's laughter
The picture of innocence
But she no longer belongs to
the land of purity
She knows too much pain
and cruelty to reside there
with the others
So she stands
The breeze blows her hair
back out of her face and
off of her bare shoulders
She feels the moisture of the dew
on her bare feet,
as she brushes the grass
off her shorts
She pauses, lifts her chin
and closes her eyes;
listening to the laughter
for only a moment longer
before turning around
and walking away

My World

written August 24, 2000

Take my hand

I'll show you my word

A place filled with magick

where anything can happen

In my world

it's okay to believe in childish dreams

The waters are clear as crystal

in my land of fantasy

Here, no one can hurt

I can sit on top of a cloud

and sleep the day away

without a care in the world

But I can't stay here forever

It wouldn't be "right"

So let's go for now

But I promise

soon we'll return