Letting Go

You'll take your final leave of me soon
although you've been gone for some time
When you left you took much
My happiness
My confidence
My strength
My beliefs and my rituals
But when you leave
you will leave much
For in the days that you have been gone
in our sleep, our dreams, at the times that you
could do nothing to stop me
I have been taking those things back
slowly, defiantly, still afraid
yet determined
Determined that you will not take me with you
It is mere hours until your departure
and an odd misture of sadness and relief fill me
But you have not won
You did not make me hate
you did not fill me with coldness
and for that I can still find it in me
to say
Good luck and
Good-bye

I Wonder No More

written January 29, 2002

A few more years have passed
The textbooks continue to get bigger,
yet I learn less from the textbooks
and more from my life,
my loved ones,
and myself
There are new pictures to replace
those that faded
and when I day dream
I see butterflies like never before
Vibrant blues, deep greens, happy yellows
I don't have to wonder anymore if this man
from my dreams exists
He has a face now
one filled with love
and is lying peacefully in bed next to me
He's there to chase away the monsters at night
when they dare to come back
He defends me
as if I were the most precious jewel in his life
but doesn't try to shelter me from pain
He makes me laught, smile, cry
and he makes me angry
But those loving eyes always look back at me
and those eyes are all that matters
He comforts me
and cares for me
and still knows when to let me care for myself
And as these thoughts leave my head,
a smile creeps across my lips
I feel sleep tugging at the corner of my mind
and I know
I don't have to wonder
anymore

Untitled

written August 23, 2001

There's a field
that lies behind all ideas of right
and wrong
A field where concepts as pure as
love, truth, and forgiveness reighn
I met you there once, long ago,
when I still possessed that childlike innocence
and blind faith which I no longer know
Back then the path there was straight, clear,
and simple
Back then everything was simple
Now the path is still there,
but is is faded and overgrown from
lack of use
The weeds, bushes and trees have grown over
to create an impenetrable awning
to blcok out any light that may guide me
There are many more twists and detours
placed to get lost in
So I can't seem to find my way
But if someone can help me to see
past myself,
I'll find you
And you'll guide me back to taht place
where my demons will no longer assail me
and I'll know what it's like
to be loved beyond all measures

I Wonder Part II

Some years have passed now.
The textbooks have gotten bigger,
the fairy tales shoved further back
on the shelf.

written February 7, 2001

The pictures of butterflies and
teddy bears are more feded than
they were then.
I have a few more scars and bruises
now,
my heart has a few more dents in it.
Still, I find myself,
clutching my pillow in bed at night
wondering.
Wondering if he's out there.
This man without a face
who haunts my dreams at night.
He takes care of me.
He brushes my hair when I get out
of the shower.
When he knows I've had a long day,
he has a hot bath waiting for me
at home.
When the big big bad world rears it's
ugly head,
he lets me lay my head in his lap
as he holds me
and tells me everything's okay
while I think back to days when
everything was okay.
I wonder if he's real,
and if I were to find him,
if he would love me.
As these thoughts leave my head,
I start to cry.
And soon, I'll drift off to sleep.
But for now,
I wonder.

Crucified

written January 30, 2001

I see her standing before me.

She's broken and bound,

stripped of the faith and

innocence that once filler her

eternal soul.

Her ebony hair frames her

porcelain face,

matted with the blood that seeps

from her battle wounds.

Her wars have left many scars

on her once flawless skin.

She looks at me

through the strands that have

fallen in her face.

She knows I could have saved her

and I know it too.

Instead I crucified her.

Drove the nails into her cross

and her coffin.

She's branded a whore and a liar,

a walking plague.

And as she takes her last breath,

I shed a tear.

For the brand and wounds

are mind.

And the woman I have crucified

is myself.

Innocenct Lost

written November 25, 2000

An open meadow
moist with morning's dew
A child sits alone
Her hell-fire red hair
cascades over her shoulders
in loose curls
Her deep green eyes reflect
a wisdom that her age does
not allow
Laughter fills the air
Children's laughter
The picture of innocence
But she no longer belongs to
the land of purity
She knows too much pain
and cruelty to reside there
with the others
So she stands
The breeze blows her hair
back out of her face and
off of her bare shoulders
She feels the moisture of the dew
on her bare feet,
as she brushes the grass
off her shorts
She pauses, lifts her chin
and closes her eyes;
listening to the laughter
for only a moment longer
before turning around
and walking away

My World

written August 24, 2000

Take my hand

I'll show you my word

A place filled with magick

where anything can happen

In my world

it's okay to believe in childish dreams

The waters are clear as crystal

in my land of fantasy

Here, no one can hurt

I can sit on top of a cloud

and sleep the day away

without a care in the world

But I can't stay here forever

It wouldn't be "right"

So let's go for now

But I promise

soon we'll return

Changes

written August 23, 2000

I sit here in the shadows

invisible to everyone

because they are invisible to me

They walk through the night

in little clusters with smiles

on their faces

The trees tower over me

protecting me from harm

I think of the changes taking

place around me

Children starting lives,

in control of destinies

It's so strange

People leaving everything familiar,

everything they've ever known

Some never to return

Scattered like autumn leaves

in the wind

Bridges connecting forever friends

being burned beyond all recognition

I wish I could stop the clock

go back to a time of believing;

a time without pain and heartache

The child inside me misses

her simplistic life

But the woman on the outside can't stop

growing and pressing onward

So there's nothing left to do

but sit beneath the protecting arms

of my trees

and wait for the next breeze to come along

Perfect Night

written August 7, 2000

Another night passes

and I look forward to your return

To the night we'll share

Will things change after this?

Will you come closer,

or will you pull away?

You've shown me heaven,

a utopia that doesn't exist without you

A haven of peace and hope

where I'm no longer afraid

Not of myself

or of my past

I don't want to lose the sanctuary

I hide in while you're gone

And I don't want to lose you

I await this night with you,

but I don't ever want it to end

The Lonely

written July 19, 2000

I am the baby in the family

The one who still stumbles along

searching for the answers you already know

I am the poet

Who can't find the words

and is yet articulate

and eloquent

I am the dreamer

I build my life before I live it

I search for the future that I can never have

I am the innocent

Who prefers a gentle touch

to what most of you offer

I am the seeker

The one who looks for the truth

even through all the glamor

I am the wallflower

Who blends in just long enough

to listen and observe

and then come to a conclusion

I am the unforgettable

The one that no one wants

until they burn the bridges

I am the romantic

Who has fallen for many

Trusted few

Loved less

And I am the lonely

For I love you

and you do not feel the same

Lonely Nights

written June 27, 2000

The nights are getting lonely now

The tears come easier

and fall longer

It's ten more days

till I see you again

Till I can look into

your deep brown eyes

I can't remember this

This chaotic peacefulness

that envelopes my soul

I hold a silent understanding for you

that I've never held for anyone else

As the battle rages on inside me

I wish to be in your arms

For you to magically take all the pain away

To make the nights less lonely

Thoughts of You

written June 10, 2000

You just left me

I felt so alone when

I hear you tapping

But now you're gone

and I'm left with my thoughts

to keep me company

What made you come tonight?

What makes you care so much

without caring enough?

I'm very grateful

for in the end,

you were the only one there

But I can't look at you yet

because it makes my heart ached

And while I need comforting,

I can't rest in your arms

because I will fall all over again

and then you'll go to rest in her arms

So in the end maybe I'm

the only one left...

My thoughts will keep me company now

They will be my comfort

and my grief

Tonight I'll sleep with my

thoughts of you

And tomorrow I'll greet morning's light with

thoughts of you

I'll climb out of bed

Because maybe tomorrow

you'll see me

And maybe tomorrow

you'll love me

My Sisters

written May 1, 2000

My sisters,

where have our smiles gone?

why have they disappeared?

Our faces,

once lit by laughter,

now lay distorted and tear-stained

on soft, salty pillows

We've come so fart

through this war

Somewhere in the backs of our minds

we still hold that at the end of the rainbow

there is a pot of gold

and that just over the horizon

lies a castle with a prince

But no matter how far we go,

there's never anything

but pain, misery, tears

Dawn approaches

Our bloodshot eyes

slam shut

at the first sign of light

So let's dry our tears,

sisters dear,

and make some ground today

being sure to touch just one along the way

And tonight, we'll lie down, once more

embracing each other

as veterans of a sort

We'll cry just a little less

or perhaps just a little more

tonight

But when dawn comes in the morn

we'll still be here to dry each others

lingering tears

Still Blind

written January 24, 2000

I saw you again just

the other day

Now you weigh on my mind

like a ton of bricks

Constant Inescapable

These feeling have returned

just as suddenly as they left

Or were they ever really gone?

Has anything changed?

Are you still blind?

Your passion, your drive

Stolen

By her

How could she beat you?

You were so strong

It doesn't matter

For now part of you is dead;

she is gone;

and you are still blind

Be Gentle

written January 21, 2000

I'm sitting here now

My muscles are tense

My breath is shallow

I'm thinking of you

To know that you think of me

is what has put me here

These feelings are strange

and new

I've felt them before

but the part of me that has been here...

once...

twice before,

has long since been dead

This is a new part of me

A new piece of my heart is about to go on the line

Risking getting hurt

in the hopes of receiving a little affection

So please be gentle if you would

That's all I'll ever ask

Be gentle with me

and with my heart

Confusion

written January 19, 2000

Confusion
My greatest enemy
I fight it off for as long as I can
yet somehow it always gets to me
It has gotten to me now
All of it swirls around in my head
in a tangled blackened mass
The two of you together
a worst nightmare come true
and succeeding only in confusing me more
You, my greatest love,
whom I will cherish for all my days,
yet we fight
Pain is what I never want for you
and you used to say the same for me
Has that changed?
I don't want it to
but I believe it already has
For now we lash out at each other
saying things for no other reason
but to hurt
Confusing
And you, my hated enemy,
whom I swore to hate for all my years
yet we love
What has changed for us?
What has made it so that I long to hear
your voice?
To hold you in my arms,
to feel your gentle touch
What has changed?
What altered it all?
The repetitive question stays in my mind
And I sit her
thinking wondering hoping dreaming
and confused.

Night

written January 19, 2000

These feelings have come upon me.
Things changed so suddenly
yet so slowly.
So slowly that I couldn't take note;
like the way day fades into night.
These are the thoughts I have
as I watch the sun duck behind
the cloak of darkness that his mistress wears.
The air grows cold as it steadily grows blacker
and I wrap my blanket around me
pulling it up to my chin.
The crickets start to sing all around me.
I take in a deep breath
and I smell your scent.
I can almost feel you in my arms again;
I can almost hear you sigh as I
gently move my hands over your shoulders.
Night is here now.
She has embraced me in her delicate shroud.
I sit now, listening to the crickets sing.
And I dream and hope.
Hope that one day soon, you'll embrace me too.

The War

written January 14, 2000

I walk across the plain of my life,

this desolate desert

My boots thud against the hard earth

Explosions go off all around me

the ground shakes my knees buckle

and I fall once more

I put my arms out

in an attempt to break this fall

But the impact is hard, shocking

I feel the blood trickling down my cheek

Sticky, warm

And I wonder if I should

continue this fight

The battle's old

and the scars deep; painful

My comrades rush to my aid

But I scream out

I don't want their help

Slowly I push myself to sitting

I look up and see a single drop of sun

And I wonder

Why this anger? This hatred? Why?

Maybe because we're afraid

That's why there's hatred in our hearts?

Pitting comrade against comrade

Friend against friend

I keep walking

Steel-toes head high

Ready to fight my own fight

even though I'm tired

I've got bullets in my eyes

and blood on my hands

and the world could drown in the tears

I've shed

But I keep walking

Walking to a rhythm all my own

with strengths that are still unknown

The Walk of Life

written January 11, 2000

I lie awake at night

Many thoughts

many faces

run through my head

Some stronger, others weaker

Yours is the strongest of them all

My world is constantly changing

but you weren't supposed to

We weren't supposed to

Somewhere we lost our way

can it be found again?

The answer is one I do not know

Yet I still look for it

that path that we walked once

But you do not

You sit on the sideline

and watch me look in vain

Why?
The path we were on was beautiful

paved with our dreams

But they are all shattered now

for you can't build tomorrow on yesterday

Still, everything has been trampled on

I'm looking for the pieces

that I mights sift through them

and find what's worth salvaging

Won't you help me look?

Can't you see that the past

is exactly that

We can find a new path

and make it what we want

Will you ever walk with me again?

Pride

written December 8, 1999

I always swore that my world

would stop without you

You took me to a place of my past

One I never wanted to see again

It's a place full of pain

and sorrow

You gave me a wonderful gift once

You gave me myself

My pride

And I know that you could

take that back

But I fought you

and now I've won

I'm proud now

Proud of me and all that I

stand fore

And I'm walking away

My head held high

My eyes straight ahead

And the colors and rainbows

of my crystalline world

are brighter than they

have ever been before

I Loving Memory

written September 7, 1999

You were our teacher

You showed us that people

aren't made of glass

You can't always see

what's under the surface

That just because

someone smiles during the day

doesn't mean they aren't

crying at night

Slowly dying inside

Why wouldn't you talk to us?

We all loved you so much

that we would have done

anything to help

I didn't want to learn

what you had to teach

Not like this

Please, take your lesson back

We don't want it

We just want you to come home

smiling, and make us feel better

just like you always did

But I know that you can't

so we'll go on with our lives

Just one more thing though

Know that we always loved you

and you'll never be forgotten

This poem is dedicated to the memory of Tommy Nighbert and the friends and family that loved and miss him.

Ray of Light

I lived my life
walking through the cold,
dark shadows that exist here
There are a few patches
of light scattered about
But the light always scared me
so I stayed away from it
But then one night, as I laid in
a ball, in the dark,
a patch of light fell on me
I started to scurry away
But before I could, the
warmth of the light embraced me
As I looked up into the light,
I saw your loving eyes
gazing down on me
I said back down,
drifting off to sleep, I felt you lay beside me
and hold me, safe and warm,
in your arms
It's because of you
that I'm not afraid anymore
Thank you for being my ray of light

Friends

I see them all standing there
Their faces filling my mind
One after another
We've all gone our separate ways now
Each off to start our lives
Some of us pursuing to fulfill our dreams
others searching frantically
amidst the rubble for theirs
We're starting a journey
down an unmarked path to the real world
Only hoping that in the end
there is something to remember the others by
Something other than the fading
memories and crumbled letters
Some small shred of who we
once were to remind us of who we want to be
Life can be terrifying
but we can't change that
We can only cling to one another
So that we don't have to make this journey alone

Falling

Every time that I fall
you are there to pick me up
I try to walk at a steady pace
but my knees still buckle
Yet you are always standing there
waiting to catch me
You help me through the bad times
and enjoy with me the good ones
You'll never leave my side
no matter how hard I push
And it means so much to know
that when I look across the plain
of my life, that I'll see your open arms
Waiting to catch me when I fall

Life

I stand here
on a cliff
When I look down
I see nothing
There is nowhere else to go
The wind picks up
and my uncertainty grows
I look behind me
and I see the small girl that use to be me
She looks at me
wondering if I can do it
I turn back around
and jump

Darkness

written December 1, 1999

You were once my shining light
But now you are gone
and the shadows are creeping back
Yet I still see light
Just a bit far off in the distance
And little sparks all around me
One spark for each of them - my friends
They help to push away the shadows
but they don't help much
and I don't want them to
It's my shadows crowding in on us
I'll keep them at bay
But don't blame yourself
for their presence
They're my shadows
Once they are so strong
no one can stop them but me
But I was too weak
It's my fault Not yours
I pushed you away once
and now I've done it again
We'll get another chance
when Fate sees fit
For now I'll take my bow
and exit stage left
and I'll wait for you backstage
so you can give me my cue
to return to your side

Completion

You are my completion
When you are gone,
I'm no longer whole
These thoughts frighten me
because the feelings
can bring so much pain
I was so careful
to create barriers against . . .
this
I drew a hard line
in front of me that
was not to be crossed
But you're colors of love
have bled all over it
and I can't see it anymore
So now you can see me
Me as I truly am
Be gentle with my feelings
They shatter quicker
than glass
Just keep holding me
Because only you can make me feel
complete

My Friend

I held you once,
and you held me.
But my world was in turmoil,
and I began to push you away.
I inflicted all my pain on you,
and still you were there.
Finally, I pushed too hard,
and you let go.
Now time has gone by and healed our scars
I see you from time to time.
But now, it's you who pushes me away,
and I who won't let go.
Soon you give up.
You stop pushing me away,
and begin to pull me close.
I know to expect nothing,
but I still find myself wishing.
Now time keeps passing us by,
and our wounds keep healing,
and we've given up on pushing.
And, for now, I've found one true friend.

Blindness

Who are you?
You used to be so familiar to me
but you aren't anymore
You told me that I didn't know you
and you couldn't see why that hurt me
But of course,
you never understood any of my pain
You opened my eyes
showed me that everything
isn't as simple as I had been taught
That things aren't always black and white
Yet your eyes are closed
and for the most part
you heart as well
I wish that you would open them
Then you would see things like never before as well
Life is complicated
It's not going to change
So open your eyes already
There's a whole world waiting to love you

Breaking

I sit here, thinking,
worrying about what to do
It bothers me
and yet it is nothing to you
You're too busy analyzing,
breaking walls
and the occasional heart
You don't see what is right in front of you
I'm hurting
It doesn't matter why
But all of your breaking down
and analyzing won't make it better
Only your time and patience will
Yet you won't see that
and maybe you never will

Oblivious

I sit on the ground
looking around in awe of this world
Above me is a canopy of trees
allowing only splashes of light
to fall around me
My thoughts turn to you
You have no idea what you mean to me
and I can't show you
For your heart belongs to someone else
and I will respect that
For as long as you want me to
But I can't change how I feel
You captivate me
Your passion and dedication
fascinate me
It is this energy
that draws me to you
for energy is what I live for
I wish that I could experience that
That I could feel your fire
coursing through me
making me come live
But I'll settle for sitting to the side
watching you live your life
Oblivious to my heart

Pipe Dreams

Come,
take my hand
We will run through the forest
to the edge of the cliff
We will take a look at each other
before jumping off the edge
Falling
down into the crystal waters below
clear as glass
reflecting the sun like diamonds
We'll lie on the bank of the river
and let the sun dry the moisture
from our skin
We will roll in the grass
as we talk about the day we've shared
Then we'll watch the sunset together
with your strong arms encircling me
This is the dream I spin for us
But it is a mere pipe dream
Going as quickly as it came
Yet I will remember it
and cherish it
And somewhere in my heart of hearts
I will wait for that day to come

Dream Weaver

He is the kind of guy
that walked in a cool
disinterested manner
down the crowded halls
of his high school,
pretending like he didn't know
that he was causing girls to break
their necks
for a good look at him,
and making their hearts beat fast
than a stallion's hooves as it gallops
down a country road.
He has enough passion in his life
to fuel a hundred fires
for a hundred years.
All the boys want to be him.
All the girls want to have him.
He has a heart bigger
and deeper
than the Atlantic and Pacific
put together.
But he guards this precious jewel
with greater walls than any
ancient empire
could have ever dreamed of.
He is the kind of guy that
fills every young woman's
lustful dreams
and the kind that no father
would ever want to see his
baby girl fall in love with.
He is the dream weaver
spinning pipe dreams as delicate as
spider webs
to fulfill whatever we want to see
at that point.
And he is the dragon that
forever flies
whenever I seem to get close,
but that I will forever chase.

Nostalgic Tides

She sits on the shore
the ocean reflecting the soft moonlight;
The stars flickering on the dark canvas.
The waves come up
staying only for a brief moment,
before returning to the vastness.
So much like people.
Sweeping in for only a brief moment in time
before leaving just as easily as they came.
Most leaving only bittersweet memories to hold on to.
But sometimes they leave too easily,
leaving a trail of tears
and shattered dreams behind.
Not caring who has to clean it up.
A light breeze picks up
and she notices an old familiar scent in the air.
She opens her heart to the faded memory
letting it wash over her.
She sees him standing there
spouting out promises of one day and ever after.
She believed him,
built her life on the fragile web of pipe dreams.
But then another wave comes up
sweeping the image away
and the tears and dreams along with it.
Once again she sits on the shore.
She reaches up to
wipe away the single droplet that remains on her cheek.
She stands up and walks down the shore,
closer to town.
A noise startles her
and she turns her head towards it.
It's a familiar sound.
She took it for granted then
and now it's cherished as a faded picture
which now plays in her mind
on a screen of delicate gossamer.
She sees him outside on the grass
moving in slow, precise motions.
The others watch intently,
absorbing all details.
She sits nearby
entranced by him
The passion and strength that
flow through him constantly,
and the unbreakable trust that holds them together.
The picture fades
but the smile remains.
And while the waves continue to come and go,
they always leave something behind.

Hope

He walked away
His broken promises
and my shattered dreams
left in his wake
My scream shattered the night
But you were right beside me
The pain cut me like a blade
but you made me forget about it
You wrapped your strong arms around me
and you gave me my smile back
and in that you gave me hope
For that I thank you
As long as I can still smile
I know I'll be okay
And my only hope is that one day
I can repay you for your kindness

Happiness

I'm sitting in my room,
all alone with my memories.
I'm surrounded by boxes
filled with fragile papers
and shattered dreams.
I glance out the window
and wonder where you're at.
I look at the calendar
and count the days until your return.
Then comes the familiar moisture on my cheeks.
The house is quiet,
so I curl up on the floor and cry.
The pain becomes less emotional
and more physical
as it starts in my stomach
and slowly spreads out.
The sounds of the phone startles me.
I pick it up and hear your warm, loving voice.
And I begin to put the lids back on my boxes.
Because even if it is only for tonight,
happiness has found my heart.

Understood

I wish that you were here
But you aren't
You are with her
and resting peacefully in her arms
Yet I hope that you are dreaming of me
for I am dreaming of you
There were things unspoken
between us
Feelings unfelt
And yet they were understood
I don't know how
but we always know
I remember that glorious night
as the sun set in front of us
making my golden hair shine
and your loving eyes sparkle
I feel that you know that I sit here thinking of you
and I feel that you know what I feel
But I'm just not certain
So I sit and wait
counting down the days
until your much awaited return

The Move Perfect Gift

I look at you and see a gift
from the heavens above
Your words are as beautiful as music
gently tapped out on the cool ivery keys
of a grand piano
Your touch is as gently
as the warmest of summer breezes
And your kisses
are as soft as twilight
I keep waiting for the day
that I'll see those carefully concealed wings
spread as you soar above the clouds
And yet you insist that you're nothing special
That you are just a simple man
And you are
You are as simple as air and water
The things that no one takes note of
and yet they would die without them
You are a simple man
And you are the most perfect gift
that I could ever ask for in life

Gentle Fire

I love you more than life itself
You smile at me
and my world is complete
My love for you is much stronger
than the miles that separate us
You mean the world to me
and I want to show you that
But I've been hurt before
and the scars run deep
So I'm afraid
Afraid to love you and afraid to let you close
Because you set my soul of fire
and fire can burn if you get too close
Yet I know that without your fire
I"ll freeze to death
So, just keep burning brightly
and I'll slowly move closer
But try and understand
that if it gets too warm
I might need to pull away
And no matter what happens
know that I"ll always love you
For you are my gentle fire

Just Cry

I see you standing there
so strong and true
silhouetted in the soft starlight
You take a step forward
and I see your eyes shinning
Not with the happiness
that I'm so accustomed to seeing
But with tears that should have fallen long ago
I gently take you in my arms
and tenderly kiss your tears away
We sit for a long time
You stop sobbing
and your breathing grows steady
I realize that you're asleep
As I lovingly gaze down at you
I see just how strong you are
And I know that no matter
how strong or how weak someone is
sometimes you just need to cry

I'm Afraid

I think about you always
You consume my every thought
I look at you and see my
entire existence in your eyes
And I can only hope that you see the same in mine
You walked into my life
like a breeze of laughter into a world
of sadness
I want you to know that
I want to tell you how I feel
and what I think of you
I want you to know every aspect of my life
But I'm afraid to tell you
Afraid to let you near me
I'm scared that I'll let myself love you
and you'll do to me what they did
I don't want to hurt anymore but I want to feel love again
I'm scared to that you'll disappear out of my life
and all the shadows
and hues of gray will once again return
I want you to know
that I think about you always
that you consume my every thought
but I'm afraid

The Journey Begins

You're standing in the light of a delicate sunrise.
Your face glowing with the light of your smile.
You turn to face me,
and I stand amazed
as the sun dances on your golden hair.
As you turn
you look at me,
and I see the emotion,
the love, that appears in your eyes.
I run to you
and you wrap your strong arms around me,
swinging me around as your laughter fills the air.
Then you gently set me down
and looking into my eyes
softly whisper, "I've missed you"
Then we turn east
into the rising sun.
And hand in hand
we begin our journey.
Together.

Sleep

I lay here,
in the still quiet night,
all alone.
The only sound is my heart beating.
You're only a few feet away,
but it feels like miles,
and I miss you terribly.
I shut my eyes,
to blink away the tears.
I take a few deep breaths
to steady my breathing.
My door softly creaks open
and is then gently shut.
I start to look up
but I don't have to.
You start to make your way
through the darkness to my bedside.
I move a little closer to the wall
as you gently lift the covers,
assuming that I'm asleep.
Nightmares of a childhood long dead
return at this point,
and I tightly press my eyes against them.
I feel your warm body
moving closer to mine.
You wrap your arms around me
and I suddenly feel safe,
as your heart begins to beat with mine.
A smile spreads acorss my face
as you softly whisper "I love you"
and I slowly drift to sleep.

And So It Goes

I see him in the halls,
and I quickly catch my breath.
I duck into a bathroom
before he sees the tears.
When all is quiet, I step out.
I go to the mirror,
walking as if at any second,
I might fall through the floor.
Slowly, I lift my head to face myself.
Once again, I see the tear-stained cheeks
and teh bloodshot eyes.
I dry my face
and begin to re-paint my mask.
And so it goes,
a life with a broken heart.
I see him in the halls,
and for the first time, I feel nothing.
The day is almost over
as I duck into the bathroom.
I walk up to the morror
and lift my face.
I see laughter, and smiles.
I step out just as teh bell rings.
I bound down the steps
and into your warms embrace.
I smile into your chest
as you softly say, "I've missed you"
And so it goes,
a life filled with your love.

I Wonder

Many a night I sit and wonder
Longing for the days of dolls
and stories of Once upon a time and Happily ever after
Days spent chasing butterflies
and planning grand tea parties
at which my favorite teddy bear would be the guest of honor
But now as I sit in my room late at night
I look at the textbooks that tell not of the fairies
and magick that I once knew,
but of bloody wars long past
I rais e my eyes to the open window
and look at the stars
I soak up their glitter while listening to the wind and crickets
One single tear starts to roll down my cheek
and I know that many more are on their way
I wonder where he's at right now
If he ever longs for what he had and could have again
But I know that he doesn't
and I begin to move on
Someone new has come along to try and dry my tears
And once again I find myself wondering
Where is he right now
And though I know that he thinks of me
I wonder if the same smile that replaced my tears,
plays on his face and lights up his eyes as it does mine
I still long for the days when everything was simple
But my dolls are packed away in my old, pine chest,
the butterflies have all gone away to more open fields,
the tea set is cracked and the guest of honor worn,
and the fairy tales sit on the bookshelf collecting dust.
And I sit in my room late at night,
surrounded by textbooks that tell of wars long past,
looking out at the sea of stars
And I wonder